Saturday, October 24th, 2015
Today is my second anniversary since beginning treatment for Lyme Disease and multiple other systemic infections. I dreamed of this day. In my mind, I expected some fanfare, a sign to mark this milestone in a very long fight. In two years, I have swallowed upwards of 43,800 pills, supplements, and herbal tinctures. I make no exaggeration. I expected to be in a different place– to be well by now, back to work, and maybe even thinking about starting a family. However, today is a decidedly ordinary day in my life with Lyme.
In two years, I have spent nearly $40,000 in out-of-pocket medical expenses. I wonder how many other illnesses drain a person of their life savings and leave very little to show for it. I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe there are more, but I can only tell my story– the story of someone trying to crawl her way to the top of the highest mountain. If I close my eyes, I imagine myself reaching the long-awaited summit. I hold out hope that I will finish this climb. I am steadfast in my determination.
In two years, my cell phone alarm has rung approximately 5,840 times alerting me to take my medications. I don’t think I have ever missed a pill. It’s habitual now. Can you be a professional pill-taker? If so, I am one. It’s absolutely second nature. I eat, sleep ( as able) and take my pills– 730 days in a row and counting.
In two years, I have taken around 1,095 detox baths, 1,095 sauna sessions, and 730 coffee enemas. No, you’re eyes aren’t blurry. You read that correctly. Coffee enemas. The funny thing is that I only drank one cup of coffee in my entire life. I really hate the taste.
But, I am willing to try almost anything if it will help. The baths, sauna sessions, and enemas give my body’s natural detoxification processes a boost at removing the toxins accumulated from killing multiple infections and ingesting several medications. It’s a necessary, but inelegant part of recovery.
Some of my medications are harsh on the gut, liver, kidneys and other organs. Blood draws are a regular part of my life to make sure we are not causing more harm than good. As patients, we joke that getting well and managing our symptoms equals a full-time job. I guess it’s not really a joke since it’s actually true. Restoring my health is the most effortful task I have ever faced.
I hear rumors that I am well. Someone order carisoprodol online mentioned it to “this” person, “this” person then told ”that” person, and finally, “that” person told me that I am doing great. I am flattered people think I am doing so well, but the reality is much less glamorous.
More Than 43,000 Pills Later…
I am not cured, healed or even “well” yet. Despite two years of aggressive treatment, I still struggle every day. To quantify a good day, I function at around 40% of my normal. That means roughly 60% of my day requires me to rest. However, most days are not 40% kind of days yet. This is still better than where I was a year ago. For that, I am happy.
While my pain has decreased, my memory is better and my sleep has improved, crippling exhaustion is the invisible symptom that troubles me the most. This is not the type of exhaustion that comes after working a long day. No, “sick exhaustion” is in a category all to its own. My energy drains and my body becomes too depleted to get out of bed some days. It’s tired from this relentless, intrusive fight. Infections still run amok underneath the surface. Maybe it’s due to the facial yoga exercises I’ve been doing, my new silk, exfoliating mitten or a super healthy diet, but my illness rarely shows on my face. I continue to have ups and downs, moments where it seems like remission is in reach, and periods of going backwards. This cyclical symptomatology is the very real nature of living life with a chronic illness. Thankfully, the setbacks are less severe than they used to be.
Treatment will continue to be aggressive for an undetermined amount of time. I sometimes get asked if I am angry about having to go through this. Most of the time, I am not. I passed the point of feeling like my body betrayed me and grateful that I have a body that refuses to give up. Another person– a different body– may have quit a long time ago. There have been moments of immense joy and self-discovery in the last two years. I live for those moments.
Here’s to another 43,800 pills, unexpected moments of joy and healing milestones. Although this journey is sometimes overwhelming, I will continue to pursue my healing with faith and persistence.
Thank you all so much for allowing me to share my story with you these past two years. To my husband, family, friends, and even strangers, your encouragement sustains me along this weary road.